Hookup… It was very painful !!!

I was guiding late season on a Patagonia river a few years ago with the hopes of running into one of the large brown trout that would come up out of the lake at that time of year. There was one particular stretch of the river that was notorious for holding these big fish and in preparation I tied on a huge double bunny fly with the intention of throwing it tight to the bank and into cover to see if my client could entice one of these large, fresh lake run fish to eat our offering. We covered the water well but no luck on this occasion. At the end of the pool the water takes a 90 degree turn to the right and drops in elevation into a nice well oxygenated riffle and on the inside of the bend was a large log jam that held big aggressive rainbows.

Photo caption and credit. Not sure if this is the right location / image.

I had switched out the large double bunny and put on a big foam dry fly. I dropped down into the riffle and had to aggressively back row to slow the raft down as much as I possibly could so the client had that extra few seconds to keep the big dry fly looking sexy and seductive in the softer water of the log jam. Almost immediately having started to back row, I begin to feel a sharp pain in my backside but I just ignored it and just keep pushing through it as now the fly was dancing nicely just where it needed to be. With each subsequent stroke of the oars the pain intensified rapidly and just at the very moment I was deciding to just stop rowing to address this now fierce pain, a huge rainbow rises up and smokes the dry fly. I scream striiiiiiike !!! The client about soiled himself with the volume and sheer malice of my command. It must have seemed a hugely over passionate request from me as the outburst was also to relieve myself of the sudden pain. Now the adrenaline is running hard and fast and I again start rowing frantically to help my sport pull this huge rainbow out of the cover away from the branches and stumps of the log jam. Even with the rising adrenaline the pain is becoming excruciating. We are both shouting and screaming. My client from exhilaration and myself because of the pain. This big rainbow hit the air in two big summersaults as we manhandle it out into the main river straining even the 0X tippet as we literally dragged it away from the log jam. The fish then turns 90 degrees and starts screaming downstream, heading for another log jam 30 or so feet below. I now had to pull hard again for the opposite bank to try and pull this fish away from the next set of snags. The pain increasing all the while. I am now screaming, turn it !!!!, turn it!!!! But this large rainbow was just too much for a 6 wt and it screams into the downstream log jam and breaks off. .. Boom, just like that, it's gone !!

Now, I find myself without the benefit of the adrenaline created from this epic battle and as I begin to come down, the pain hits it’s final level. I hit the opposite bank drop the anchor and have an instinctive need to stand which immediately helped with the pain. My client has sensed something is wrong as he has now turned to face me for the first time since we hooked the fish and I guess he could see the anguish on my face. He asks me ‘ is everything OK ‘. ‘ Nope ‘ was about all i could say. There was confusion in my voice.

As I begin to explain I reach around with my hand to touch my buttocks, felt something along with another sharp jab of pain and I then knew what had happened !! When I changed the fly earlier i did not secure that large bunny fly and it had ended up on my seat. All that frantic rowing and therefore sliding back and forth on my seat, the hook was driving itself deeper and deeper and deeper into my ass.

I turned around to let my client see the damage and he immediately confirmed what I had suspected. Now he had a full visual. Fortunately, I was wet wading that day which made it easier to surmise the situation as if this all happened through waders rather than just a thin pair of shorts, this was going to be expensive not only just painful as it would likely mean ruining a pair of expensive waders. My client, now moved closer and he said, ‘ it looks deep and there is a fair amount of blood.’

We decide it best to get out of the boat and pull the raft up onto the gravel bar. My client digs out a leatherman multi tool one of us had to cut a hole in my shorts to better understand what was going on down there. I obviously have no idea as this hook is in a position that does not allow me to twist around enough to see it. I am now totally in the hands of my client.

In order to better do this I find myself bent over prostrate on the pontoon of the raft and my client kneels down behind me with his leatherman tool and cuts an inspection hole in my shorts. ‘ Oh Greg, that's not good, ‘ he says. Not the prognosis I was hoping for !! He goes on to say, ‘ The hook has gone completely through the one cheek, come out through the crack in your ass and is now fully embedded ( had forgot to pinch the barb ) into your other cheek. So it's completely clamped the crack of my ass shut !!! We only have one option, that being to push the hook all the way through the second cheek and back out then flatten the barb and then pull it back through both cheeks !!

I grit my teeth knowing that another round of pain was imminent and my client faithfully went to work. I fish a lot of doctors and many other profession’s in the medical field. This was not one of them !! At least the leatherman tool came with a good set of pliers to separate my ass cheeks enough to grab the hook. And so it began. With my fifth wince and as the third tear dripped audibly onto the pontoon and as the pain increased with each forceful attempt to send the hook through the second ass cheek I became delirious and began to hear voices. I shrugged it off but a few moments later it became louder so I lifted my head up and there in the riffle coming our way was another raft with an entire family in it. I have no idea what they must have thought at that moment but I would have imagined that at first glance due to the angle they approached us from that all they would have seen is me laying forward on the pontoon. Their expression, naturally, was nothing more than that of mild curiosity. After all what could possibly be of any concern in such a wonderful, tranquil river setting ? That was until the father laid eyes on my client kneeling down behind me intently reaming something out of my ass !! It was I am sure, not a good look. The fathers expression instantly became a mix of shock and disgust especially as my client just carried on oblivious to what was unfolding. His beautiful wife’s expression rapidly mimicked her husbands. I felt helpless, vulnerable, almost violated but I did find some comfort in the still innocent gaze of the children.

It was nothing short of horrific and as their parental instincts kicked in diverting the gaze of their offspring to the fictitious creature on the opposite bank I did exchange one final glance with the father where I still to this day hold hope that he accepted my wordless apology and that he saw in my eyes my desperate plead for his forgiveness !!

The shame provided much needed anesthesia for the final ramming of the hook through and back out of my second cheek.